Anyone else feel guilty?

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Anyone else feel guilty?

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I am the POA for my 88yo mom with advanced dementia. I am the one who has had to place her in a memory care facility, sell her car, sell her house, & now figure out what to do with all her possessions. I feel guilty, like a child caught doing something wrong, even though I know that she will never live in her home again. No support from sibs as they are out of town & haven't seen mom in years. Anyone else feel this way?

Mental Health

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I am 100% right there with you???I am also POA and health proxy with sibs not helping. I have to tell her soon that she has to stay in the nh and meanwhile I have been starting to clean out her apt. And handle her affairs. She is not in advanced stage dementia yet but has a very poor memory and poor reasoning skills. It feels awful...like I am doing things behind her back and lying to her...but when I tell her the truth, it's too much for her, she can't handle it, remember or understand it....so I think it's best just to do what I need to do without telling her everything....but it's wierd...it feels awful. I completely understand what your going through. I don't know any great words of support...because nothing really takes the guilty feeling away....but I do believe in my head, that we are doing all and the best we can. Good luck to you :)

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Yes and no. Mother refused to allow either POA or MPOA. She didn't even put us on her HIPA forms. I felt horrible about taking my mother to court to demand guardianship. I felt horrible about having to physically take and drop off my mother at assisted living. I felt horrible about boxing up mother's personal items to take to donation centers. I felt horrible about selling her house, etc., etc., etc.
But! I feel so wonderful now, knowing my mother is safe, gets her meds, receives constant attention and she is happy to see me again, because I know I did the right thing by her.
Ever so often, I look at her and think "did I do the right thing?" then she asks: "Who are you?" or "Is it time for lunch?" as we are walking away from the breakfast table.
You will be fine, you will start to see proof that you are doing the right thing.

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Feel guilty?
Yep. With every decision I make regarding my dad's life.
You are not alone. I'm not sure we ever stop feeling guilty, but I do think that we, when we are ready, just come to a realization that we are doing what we can to make their lives easier. That point is different for everyone.

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In sewing and carpentry there's a rule: "Measure twice and cut once." Maybe for us caregivers that's what guilt is about. There's this voice (God, our consciences, our mothers?) constantly second guessing our decisions asking: "Did you measure twice before you cut? Is your decision what's best for your loved one or is it what's best for you? If your loved one was not mentally impaired, what would they do? What will your family say? Will there be legal repercussion? How will God judge you? Get it right!" Maybe guilt is there to help us weigh pros and cons. We are imperfect human beings trying to make perfect decisions in an imperfect world. I console myself with the thought that I became my mother's caregiver because God knew I'd try to answer all these questions and that I'd feel guilt because I am not God. But despite the guilt I would also act, not leaving those decisions to someone who does not know or really care about my mother who, despite her dementia, is living, breathing soul and His child.

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I believe most of us feel guilty whether the parent is in a NH or you are caring for them at home. You feel guilty when they have a bad day, when they are upset, when anyone questions if we are doing a good job, when people in the grocery store see you letting a 89 yr old man push a grocery cart while he is stumbling around like a drunk and panting from the effort (he throws a FIT if he can't get out of the house every few hours, then will refuse to get into his wheelchair, so we have to put the wheelchair inside the grocery cart, then pulls away and screams at you if you try to gait them or help them stay stead as they walk). You feel guilty when you don't notice that food stain on their pants and you are in church. You feel guilty when you do good and when you don't. You feel guilty if you have to raise your voice and speak sternly to get their attention to your face because they are in harm's way. You feel guilty when YOU are getting a shower longer than 4 minutes and enjoying a good shampoo that is 5 days overdue...yes FIVE DAYS. You feel guilty because you let strangers' stares or overheard comments affect your judgement. You feel guilty because you leave them in a nursing home for 2 months, then bring them home to try again and you know this is not going to work out. You feel guilty because you know that putting your parent back into a NH will drain every cent and property they have and the grandchildren inherit nothing more than a few pictures off the walls or some 40 yr old furniture that no one wants. You feel guilty because it's too cold, too hot, they ate too much or not enough. Yes, you feel guilty if you truly care for someone. BUT the guilt will ease. And if you do feel guilty, remember you just placed someone very valuable and important to you in a protected environment, where they will receive care by a multitude of people 24 hours a day; people who work in shifts and have time to recharge. You do all their jobs when it is just you. If you feel guilty, that's okay, accept it and envelope it for now, it's normal to feel that way. But NEVER feel guilt that you tried, that you made sure your parent is now in a warm bed, fed, watched, cared over, kept clean, by trained professionals.

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It's natural because as children we're taught we mustn't touch other people's stuff. For the four years I cared for my mother I lived in the basement, she lived on the main floor and I never went into her drawers or closets. When I cleared the house after she went into a NH it was quite an eye opener.

After 18 months she still sometimes asks where this or that went, sometimes determined that the house and its contents are still there waiting for her to "get better". If it's at the odd time she's lucid I tell her the truth. If not I fib. Her dementia is at the stage she believes fibs.

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I have felt a lot of guilt in my life - pretty well inevitable with a personality disorder narcissistic mother - and given it up. I think I have felt enough guilt for my lifetime. I do what I have to, what the situation requires, to the best of my ability. It is all anyone can ask of themselves or anyone else.

This quote works for me "She put on her big girl bloomers and did what needed to be done. And nobody and no thing could stop her." ~ Queenisms™

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I know the feeling. We're in the process of selling her house and figuring out what to do with the furniture left there. She lives with me now, and we have plenty enough possessions. Nobody in the family actually wants the monster china cabinet, dining room set, 2 huge sets of china, sofas, etc. I'd have had most of it hauled off/donated to St. Vincent's weeks ago were it not for the kinfolk I have to answer to. I sure can't have a practical discussion with mom; she gets teary or angry for days afterward, and I'm back to feeling depressed and angry she didn't begin to make things easy on us years ago, when she knew she was having problems, and I urged her to downsize after dad died. I absolutely hate being the POA. I can handle the decision making because I have to and swear I'll never do this to my nieces when my time comes.

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Every day.....But truthfully you have no reason to feel this way.. She is being cared for and you can visit often.. Your relationship will now be spent enjoying time together without the stress of you caring for her....

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We moved Mom into AL March 1st. We are not rushing into clearing the house, and we will wait until better weather, perhaps May, to have an estate sales professional do a sale. I'd rather not be there when stuff is going out the door, and I am working with someone I trust to be honest and fair.

Anyone else feel guilty?

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