Anyone else feel guilty?

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Anyone else feel guilty?

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I am the POA for my 88yo mom with advanced dementia. I am the one who has had to place her in a memory care facility, sell her car, sell her house, & now figure out what to do with all her possessions. I feel guilty, like a child caught doing something wrong, even though I know that she will never live in her home again. No support from sibs as they are out of town & haven't seen mom in years. Anyone else feel this way?

Mental Health

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Every day.....But truthfully you have no reason to feel this way.. She is being cared for and you can visit often.. Your relationship will now be spent enjoying time together without the stress of you caring for her....

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You should feel proud my friend.

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I am 100% right there with you???I am also POA and health proxy with sibs not helping. I have to tell her soon that she has to stay in the nh and meanwhile I have been starting to clean out her apt. And handle her affairs. She is not in advanced stage dementia yet but has a very poor memory and poor reasoning skills. It feels awful...like I am doing things behind her back and lying to her...but when I tell her the truth, it's too much for her, she can't handle it, remember or understand it....so I think it's best just to do what I need to do without telling her everything....but it's wierd...it feels awful. I completely understand what your going through. I don't know any great words of support...because nothing really takes the guilty feeling away....but I do believe in my head, that we are doing all and the best we can. Good luck to you :)

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I meant all !!! Above...not ?

:)

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Guilt is almost a given for caregivers. We do our best at a job that is so hard for people who's needs change at a moments notice. I call it "creative problem solving on the run." No matter waht we do our loved ones have setbacks, my loved one has passe away. What sustains me now is knowing that he loved longer and with a better quality of life than he would have if I had been there for him. Take heart in knowing you are doing all you can and we are here for you. I write about these feelings on this blog and on mine.You are not alone.

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Yes and no. Mother refused to allow either POA or MPOA. She didn't even put us on her HIPA forms. I felt horrible about taking my mother to court to demand guardianship. I felt horrible about having to physically take and drop off my mother at assisted living. I felt horrible about boxing up mother's personal items to take to donation centers. I felt horrible about selling her house, etc., etc., etc.
But! I feel so wonderful now, knowing my mother is safe, gets her meds, receives constant attention and she is happy to see me again, because I know I did the right thing by her.
Ever so often, I look at her and think "did I do the right thing?" then she asks: "Who are you?" or "Is it time for lunch?" as we are walking away from the breakfast table.
You will be fine, you will start to see proof that you are doing the right thing.

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I too, feel guilty every day. I feel I should be there more for her, even though I have a husband to be with and a full time job. I know this will get even harder when she cannot fully take care of herself. Her 2 other daughters are not going to help but the guilt just keeps coming.

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It's natural because as children we're taught we mustn't touch other people's stuff. For the four years I cared for my mother I lived in the basement, she lived on the main floor and I never went into her drawers or closets. When I cleared the house after she went into a NH it was quite an eye opener.

After 18 months she still sometimes asks where this or that went, sometimes determined that the house and its contents are still there waiting for her to "get better". If it's at the odd time she's lucid I tell her the truth. If not I fib. Her dementia is at the stage she believes fibs.

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Feel guilty?
Yep. With every decision I make regarding my dad's life.
You are not alone. I'm not sure we ever stop feeling guilty, but I do think that we, when we are ready, just come to a realization that we are doing what we can to make their lives easier. That point is different for everyone.

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In sewing and carpentry there's a rule: "Measure twice and cut once." Maybe for us caregivers that's what guilt is about. There's this voice (God, our consciences, our mothers?) constantly second guessing our decisions asking: "Did you measure twice before you cut? Is your decision what's best for your loved one or is it what's best for you? If your loved one was not mentally impaired, what would they do? What will your family say? Will there be legal repercussion? How will God judge you? Get it right!" Maybe guilt is there to help us weigh pros and cons. We are imperfect human beings trying to make perfect decisions in an imperfect world. I console myself with the thought that I became my mother's caregiver because God knew I'd try to answer all these questions and that I'd feel guilt because I am not God. But despite the guilt I would also act, not leaving those decisions to someone who does not know or really care about my mother who, despite her dementia, is living, breathing soul and His child.

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It isn't rational to feel guilt about something that can't be controlled. Of course that doesn't stop me from feeling it anyway. It helps me when I remember to mentally offer everything in service to God, ask for the strength to keep going and be grateful for whatever I get. Try the Serenity Prayer. Amen.

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Yes, every day. I am my Mom's POA both financial and medical. I feel very guilty. Her furniture is in storage, I sold her car and had to put her in a nursing home in Missouri since she would not come back to AZ with me. I call the NH almost every week to see how Mom is and my daughter, who lives 1/12 hours away from the NH goes to see her grandmother and sends me pictures of her from her phone when she visits. I do have a brother that lives 30 minutes from the NH be he does not communicate with me.

I feel your pain and guilt and deal with it every day but Mom is better off in NH than at home by herself. I just have to keep telling myself that.

Take care.

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for me I am basically relieved to know so many families are experiencing the same
the changes that occur are at a moments notice and I agree with problem solving on the run. I also found myself rash judging my siblings just because I was the one not communicating. that has since changed and this has made a huge difference. I am right in the middle of moving mom once again to a board and care as the ALF states she needs the next level of care.....double the cost!!!
Whew! I do have a great resources and moving forward but it can be exhausting best to everyone out there.

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Sure, every day, but I don't let it overwhelm me. Do what you have to do, and know in the end when mom passes, YOU were there for her. Heaven will open its gates to YOU!

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We moved Mom into AL March 1st. We are not rushing into clearing the house, and we will wait until better weather, perhaps May, to have an estate sales professional do a sale. I'd rather not be there when stuff is going out the door, and I am working with someone I trust to be honest and fair.

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I have felt a lot of guilt in my life - pretty well inevitable with a personality disorder narcissistic mother - and given it up. I think I have felt enough guilt for my lifetime. I do what I have to, what the situation requires, to the best of my ability. It is all anyone can ask of themselves or anyone else.

This quote works for me "She put on her big girl bloomers and did what needed to be done. And nobody and no thing could stop her." ~ Queenisms™

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I know the feeling. We're in the process of selling her house and figuring out what to do with the furniture left there. She lives with me now, and we have plenty enough possessions. Nobody in the family actually wants the monster china cabinet, dining room set, 2 huge sets of china, sofas, etc. I'd have had most of it hauled off/donated to St. Vincent's weeks ago were it not for the kinfolk I have to answer to. I sure can't have a practical discussion with mom; she gets teary or angry for days afterward, and I'm back to feeling depressed and angry she didn't begin to make things easy on us years ago, when she knew she was having problems, and I urged her to downsize after dad died. I absolutely hate being the POA. I can handle the decision making because I have to and swear I'll never do this to my nieces when my time comes.

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I believe most of us feel guilty whether the parent is in a NH or you are caring for them at home. You feel guilty when they have a bad day, when they are upset, when anyone questions if we are doing a good job, when people in the grocery store see you letting a 89 yr old man push a grocery cart while he is stumbling around like a drunk and panting from the effort (he throws a FIT if he can't get out of the house every few hours, then will refuse to get into his wheelchair, so we have to put the wheelchair inside the grocery cart, then pulls away and screams at you if you try to gait them or help them stay stead as they walk). You feel guilty when you don't notice that food stain on their pants and you are in church. You feel guilty when you do good and when you don't. You feel guilty if you have to raise your voice and speak sternly to get their attention to your face because they are in harm's way. You feel guilty when YOU are getting a shower longer than 4 minutes and enjoying a good shampoo that is 5 days overdue...yes FIVE DAYS. You feel guilty because you let strangers' stares or overheard comments affect your judgement. You feel guilty because you leave them in a nursing home for 2 months, then bring them home to try again and you know this is not going to work out. You feel guilty because you know that putting your parent back into a NH will drain every cent and property they have and the grandchildren inherit nothing more than a few pictures off the walls or some 40 yr old furniture that no one wants. You feel guilty because it's too cold, too hot, they ate too much or not enough. Yes, you feel guilty if you truly care for someone. BUT the guilt will ease. And if you do feel guilty, remember you just placed someone very valuable and important to you in a protected environment, where they will receive care by a multitude of people 24 hours a day; people who work in shifts and have time to recharge. You do all their jobs when it is just you. If you feel guilty, that's okay, accept it and envelope it for now, it's normal to feel that way. But NEVER feel guilt that you tried, that you made sure your parent is now in a warm bed, fed, watched, cared over, kept clean, by trained professionals.

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Going through Mom's stuff and downsizing her over and over is so very hard. Throwing out make-up she hasn't worn in 3 years - when she prided herself on her make-up and was rarely seen without it before. Throwing out cards and mementos and things she designed (she was a graphic designer.) It is all so very hard. I, too, feel guilt and some anger that I am the one this all falls to. And sad.

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Not about the same things you're feeling guilty about but, yes, I feel a lot of guilt.

Actually, a few days ago, we took Mom to her house to get her final things (everything else will be disposed of in some manner) and I'd felt bad that we didn't have more time to do it and that I'd rushed her.

Today, she told me she'd woken up at 3:00 a.m. thinking about things she'd forgotten about. I immediately felt guilty and told her I felt bad. I asked her if there were any things that were especially precious to her (I didn't say this to her, but immediately started wondering if someone could somehow stop by to get whatever it was and mail it to us), but she said she really didn't. She said there were things she'd regretted not giving to various people, mainly (she had some coffee she bought for her brother and forgot to give him), but nothing left behind that she cared that much about. She just felt bad that she didn't have us drive by her brother's house to give him that can of coffee and it's weighing on her.

So, your situation is totally different than mine, but my point is that the guilt is probably more yours than from any really good reason. As for her things, she and your siblings had years and years to distribute them. If you are now stuck getting rid of them, feel satisfied that you're doing your best and don't beat up on yourself. It's easy to tell you not to feel guilty, I know, not so easy to do, but it's just stuff and, if no-one previously claimed it, probably not even cherished stuff.

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I understand your feelings. I feel guilty all the time, about everything...But I keep reminding myself that I have been here...and I will remain here as long as Mama needs me. Sounds like that is what you are doing and you are to be commended... I have come to believe that guilt is a huge part of being a caregiver..

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I too feel alot of guilt.. The night I moved my father into the assisted living I cried and cried.. My friends had to reasure me that I was doing the right thing, and that my father was much safer living with others than alone. He has moderate dementia and is able still to dress , bathe and eat on his own with prompting. But is very forgettful and unable to take care of his financial affairs or drive. I am my father's POA for medical and finances. I too don't have alot of help from my siblings. My brother lives out of state and my sister lives close by but isnt alot of help. She herself is fighting cancer at the moment and had her own stresses to deal with right now. So it comes down to me.. I work fulltime and I feel very guilty that I don't spend enough time with my dad.. My weekends are full of getting my own house chores done, and in the evenings Im tired from a full days work and just want to go home and relax. I do the best I can. We invite dad over for dinner on a friday or saturday night. We take him out to lunch on a saturday afternoon. I take him out for his haircuts every 4-5 weeks.. but, it doen't seem like enough.. Everyday I feel guilty. We all can only do the best we can.......

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Yeah, probably everyone on this board :) Do we ever stop feeling like 'children'? We need to if we want to preserve OUR sanity.

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It could be worse. My mother has most of her faculties. But, she turns 95 next month and lives in a NH. Her home and property sits just as it did, 14 months ago, when the EMTs carried her out (broken ribs, from a fall.) She has an Airstream trailer, an RV and tow vehicle van, sitting there deteriorating. She doesn't need the money and by all rights the "stuff" is hers. She is in IL. I am in AZ. so, there it all sits.

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Guilt is natural as well as reluctance to let go of the possessions and close this chapter in your/her life. Think of it as a "cleansing" and new beginning for you and her.

Notify sibs of when this will take place, tell them they have 30 days to come and help or claim anything special they might remember and desire; and after that date, everything will go.

Then get a big dumpster and start purging. If you want, contact habitat for humanity, veterans association, or church and ask if they want to come and haul what they want away. Then dump the rest. If there are purses, hats, minks, vintage type items, consider taking them to a vintage store or goodwill. Otherwise, do what is easiest for you.

Take some pictures of special or memorable items, even dumb stuff, just for the memory if that might make you feel better or you can reminisce with mom and have some good laughs or talk about the items for fun.

I'm not a collector or keeper, so purging makes me happy. My mom accuses me already of "throwing everything away as junk" when she passes. We are planning to give anything usable away and yes, doing the dumpster thing.

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This is by all means the most challenging task I have ever undertaken in my life and there have been others, believe, I feel trapped, my life stolen from me, frustrated and even worried about my marriage because my 86 yr old mother was brought home to live with us a little over a year ago. I am about to place her in an ALF, I work full time, drive an hour to work and one back home, I'm stressed all the time, I haven't seen the mall in months, but yet I can't seem to break loose from her, she wasn't the best or most supportive mother but I'm not like her at all. I go out of my way to help those I love. Having said all this after every negative thing that happens when she walks into my room with her walker after a day in daycare and smiles and tells me she likes it and then tells me she's going to bed because she's tired my heart breaks. She has become my child in a sense, I can feel my husband becoming tired as well and that worries me. I don't want to put her anywhere but I may have to. It has come down to my life or hers, I'm broken, I'm guilty, I'm hurting to the max, how can I tear her away from the only thing she has left? Then again, when we have an episode at 3:00 am in the morning I wish I had never brought her home. This is tearing me inside, really, the guilt, the compassion and my own self preservation are in battle inside me, don't know what to do and can't imagine the rest of my days like this. She lived in 3 other ALF's before living with me and it was he'll for the both of us. She hated it and wouldn't adjust, I hated it because none if them provide the care and concern I provide for her at home. The guilt and the burden are both killing me, I know I will not win ever until we see each other in a better place but that moment may still be far away.

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Feeling guilty.... It is a natural feeling but you have to let it go. You know all of the good things that you have done. You know that it is what it has to be. As the women in my family say, Let Go and Let God.

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You know..... it sounds like you have done what you need to do..... It was much work and you can now feel proud of what you have accomplished! Job well done! When I read your post..... it made we wonder if what you are feeling is actually "LOSS". It makes us realize many things as well.

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Nana1270, I was taught that as well. Did I do something that would put me in court, like break a law? No? Then guilt is misplaced. The decisions we have to make are difficult and stir up many feelings within us. Norest is right, too, it is often loss and regret we feel. Sadness. Even if we feel angry about having to make all the decisions, and then we tell ourselves we shouldn't feel angry and then we think we feel guilty for feeling angry, we don't have to feel guilty. It's natural to feel angry, too.

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JoEna1, that is such a beautiful answer. It brings tears to my eyes and I will save it to read again later.

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