How do I deal with not wanting to care for a parent?

Although not my own personal experience many *many* on this forum are and have been in your shoes. I respect you for not just cutting and running -- just in that alone you are doing a merciful thing. You are under no obligation to care for him (I'm pretty sure forum sages will speak to you about F.O.G. : Fear, Obligation, Guilt and how to overcome it).

After you come to peace about "rehoming" him, you need to know what you actually can do about the situation.
- do you have durable PoA for him? Does anyone?
- has he ever been medically diagnosed (like it is in his records) with dementia, ALZ, Lewy-Body or any cognitive issues that affect his capacity to make rational decisions for himself?
- your profile says he can't afford in-home care, but do you know enough about his finances to know if he can private pay a facility, even for a short while?

Perhaps your father needs to know that if he doesn't cooperate APS will be called in and the county will pursue guardianship of him. They you are fully released of all of his care: medical, financial and anything else. Maybe this is the path you should take anyway. This is the "retirement" he planned for.

Answering these questions will enable the forum to give you practical suggestions. I know you will get all the moral support necessary to move forward in getting your father the appropriate care he requires. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart during the process. May it go quickly and smoothly!

First you have to recognize that you are not responsible for his care.

It does not change if he was a wonderful father or a crappy one, no child is responsible for providing care to their parent.

Next providing care, if you choose to do it, does not mean you have to do hands on caregiving in your home nor theirs.

He can go live in a care facility.

Put him in the nursing home with his wife. Seriously, even if he was the greatest father in the world you're not responsible for his care; and you sure as hell should not be feeling guilty for not wanting to be a full time caregiver to a deadbeat Dad. If he won't go to the nursing home, send him back to his own home to rot.

One of the most common trends I've seen on these forums and elsewhere is people that have bad relationships with their parents getting roped into caregiving and destroying their lives from it. Don't let that happen to you.

A very difficult situation and bless you for taking him in at all. Find a nursing home or even maybe a rehab facility that will take him. In caring for someone does not mean you physically have to be there or do all the work. See that he is cared for by others.

This is a very difficult situation without adding the care your father needs. I can completely relate to what you are saying and I find taking moments to reflect on the good you are doing helps. For me, I see this season I am in as learning to love the most difficult people because they deserve to be love too. At the end of the day we are all imperfect people who make the wrong choice and deeply hurt others. I will lift you up in prayer and ask that you can find the resolve you need to care for your father. You must decide if that is in your home or a facility. Grace & Peace to you

Seems he needs care that is difficult for you - maybe just emotionally and maybe a lot of work. Please consider helping him into the same nursing home as his wife. Then, you can visit without the emotional burden that is causing you to feel burnt out. I would also suggest that you would benefit from counseling - either group or one-on-one to deal with your hurts from family life in the past. It is always better to get to a place of healing while the "difficult person" is alive than after they have passed.

You have no earthly idea what "caregiver" means. Are you ready to change your parent's diapers, keep them clean, bathe them, brush their teeth (oral hygiene is absolutely essential to prevent pneumonia), feed them, and manage their bowels such as giving them an enema before they get impacted. Medications...insulin... Been there...done that..for YEARS. On top of that your siblings think caregiving is easy because they never had to deal with diapering, enemas, bathing them, feeding them...taking them to the emergency room over some UTI or respiratory infection...and when they "sundown" they will keep you up for hours with incessant talking saying the same thing over and over and over and over again. Keeping them safe and preventing falls IS a full time job in itself on top of the needs of living.

MEANWHILE you lose your job because caregiving is a FULL TIME JOB. And your life savings dwindles down to zero. Oh...your own siblings may fight over the estate after your parent dies.

Go ahead..be a caregiver. And LOSE YOUR OWN LIFE.

Been there..done that..now I"m 60 and having to start over again. On top of this CoVID-19 mess.

Lol, Cetude pretty much summed it up for me (preach it, sister!). No laughing matter really, but sometimes just need the release. Yes, 24/7 full time job and SO MUCH HARDER than caring for a toddler. And if you should have any health problems while caring for him, QUADRUPLE the stress level. The work involved in getting him into a facility (may be a mult-month process), with whatever means necessary, will be worth the frustration and stress once he is settled and you have some semblance of normal back.

He's got you to care and board him (if he is staying in your home). Mission accomplished as far as he is concerned.

What surgery did he have that he can't care for himself?

I personally wouldn't work through those feelings because I know my limitations, and I would never have brought him into my home.
I wish you good luck, but you may be in for a decade or more of this, getting worse and worse, and it just may ruin your life. That's the reality. It isn't a choice I would make.
I am glad there are Saints in the world as well as Sinners like me. However, I find that their job description sees them shot full of arrows, tortured to death, then prayed to by the rest of us for eternity to fix everything for us. It just isn't a job I can apply for; I am sorry, but I am not up to the job.
Cetude said it straight. If you CHOOSE to do this, then be clear that you are doing this of your own CHOICE. You may hear a few platitudes of "Awwwww, aren't you a wonderful person?" but they will provide little to comfort you, and there will be even less help for you.
My heart so goes out to people on the forum, who, like me, know they are just quite simply not up to doing caregiving in the home despite having on their hands the kindest, gentlest, most wonderful and devoted parent in the world. My heart doesn't go out to those who choose to ruin their own lives and often the lives of their own family, using as an excuse for martyrdom words like "guilt" and "obligation", and doing all this for someone who (sadly) doesn't deserve it.
Place your father. Visit him when you are able. And get on with a life would be my advice. The fact you have taken him into your home already will make that difficult. I am sorry.

I hope you haven't been at his beck and call. He should be doing anything he is capable of doing. Not too late to set boundries. Tell him the honeymoon is over.

If his doctor says he needs 24/7 care, then I would place him in the same place as his wife.

The State doesn't step in unless a family member, or anyone for that fact, won't take care of a person. A SW will do their best to get someone to do the caring. Even to the point of guilting them. But there is no law that says you have to give up ur life to physically care for a parent. So, when there is no one willing to take a person in or not willing to do what is neccessary to get Medicaid help for that person to place them in a NH, the State steps in and the court assigns a guardian. By doing this, you now have no say where he is placed or his care.

If you don't have POA its going to make it hard to place Dad. And also if he still has his cognitive ability. If Dad refuses to assign u POA, then the best scenario is the next time he is in the hospital make sure he goes to rehab. While in rehab, ask that he be evaluated for LTC. If its found he needs 24/7 care ask that he be transferred there after rehab. If he has no money, apply for Medicaid.

I just had this happen with a friend. If she had her way, she would not be in LTC. I asked my daughter (worked rehab/NHs 20 yrs) if my friend could be kept against her will and the answer was yes. If it was determined while in rehab that she needed 24/7 care and there was no one willing to give that care or she can't hire that care, then its considered unsafe to discharge her and they have to keep her. She had POAs in place but I guess he was not willing to care for her. (Friend is not an easy person to live with) So now she is on Medicaid.

Good luck.

You should have listened to your dad because of the baggage that he left you with. That being said, reach out to his doctor about how to get resources such as an aide, PT, OT, etc. to help at home or help with getting him into AL. If he's placed in AL visit him so you won't feel like you're abandoning him. Please seek out professional help to work through the feelings that your have towards your dad from the past & present . It'll help with dealing with his situation in the future. Don't delay. 🙏 Caring takes everything out of you & leaves little time for yourself . Make yourself a priority! Make sure that dad is doing as much as he can for himself. Don't baby him!

Psychotherapy. Prayer. As a Catholic I would talk to a priest.

Wow. how sad. This man obviously never had any kind of close and loving relationship with you and has proven that. Now he is old and sick and "needs" you. Well, tough sh*t. He should have thought of that when you were growing up and become a father. He did not do that. What on earth. do you care about if he wants this or that. He was not there for you. You owe him NOTHING. WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU ALLOWING YOURSELF TO ENDURE THIS? He is not and never was your responsibility. Make arrangements to remove him from your home at once - out of you sight and life. YOU must do this and move on with YOUR LIFE. You have no obligations to him whatsoever and your guilt should be to you - for being a fool and doing something you shouldn't be doing and also your personality aside from the relationship may not make you a good caretaker. Eliminate him - he was never your real father - move on and live your life with joy. What he sowed is what he is reaping. Remove him forever.

I'm not going to tell you what you already know, which is this is an enormously difficult undertaking, even under the best of circumstances and with the best relationship with your parent.
Your empathy and willingness to step up to the plate speaks volumes for your character, but it is important to apply that to yourself as well.
The best possible outcome for this that I can envision is that you are able to spend time with your father now and try to resolve some of those lingering and probably painful issues before he passes. I've seen it happen, and it may be possible. For that to occur, I would recommend that you see a counselor; many are offering appointments online these days.
Second, growing old alone is no picnic. If you can help your father work through his planning, update his documents such as his will, trust, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, living will to get them up to date and get his finances organized, you will be setting the stage to help him make good decisions for himself moving forward. He might even appreciate it knowing that his wishes are on paper, legal, and must be followed as he grows older and needs more care.
At that point, you will be able to move forward to find out what services he qualifies for, either in-home or in assisted living. It sounds as if a skilled living placement might be premature. Many organizations offer levels of care and as additional services are needed, the individual moves to a different level of care.
The best help as you might imagine is for the very poor or the well to do. Those of us in the middle sadly are at a true disadvantage.
There are some insurance companies out there who are offering plans which pay for services to keep seniors in their homes as long as possible. Reverse mortgages as well as equity loans may be used to pay for in-home care services. Medicaid is another option, but rules are state by state. He may qualify for Medicaid if his income is below a certain level. If so, he will be able to receive a multitude of other services as well, such as housekeeping, meals, transportation and others.
As you may already know, placement in assisted living is at a minimum of $4,000/ mo. and up. Skilled nursing costs around $6,000/ mo. and up. In-home care is around $20/ hr. and up; discounts are offered for guaranteed and/or longer hours. Most people have to sell their homes to pay for this, and then when the money runs out, to transfer to Medicaid. Sometimes the facility won't keep them when that happens, or owners or contracts change, and that can be a nightmare to oversee.
I admire you for caring about a fellow human being in need, despite your past. It's difficult to understand choosing a mate over my children, but I don't know your father's circumstances. Perhaps you don't either.
Offer your intelligence, your good judgement, your time, your counsel and your assistance to your father in making these decisions. But please keep in mind that your father is going to need much more assistance in the future that one person can provide, no matter how willing or available. You can see that now even after a relatively short period of time.
If he won't work with you, then it's a different flowchart altogether. Let us know.

" He fought me tooth and nail to not come to my home so I could care for him. He finally relented and said it would only be two weeks, and now it’s been two months. It is very difficult caring for him because he did not raise me and my brother when we were 7 & 9 years old."

I am having a tough time understanding why it is that you insisted he come to your home? Why didn't he go to rehab?

It is not an easy problem to solve. You obviously love your father and you have compassion for him. My advice: You would not be abandoning him if you put him in the same facility as your stepmother. Perhaps they could even be in the same room. So, neither one of them would be alone. In the facility, call daily, visit a few times a week, take him to lunch, do special things with him. You will have more energy to show him that you love him. Love him and love yourself!

You might want to look at practioners that deal with the mind-body connection like Dr. Bruce Lipton. Perhaps it could help yo deal with your emotions.

Acjamison712;

Clearly you are a caring person. Despite what happened in the past, you have been willing to help him out.

So, what is the reason he is still there? He fought with you because he didn't want to move in, so what is the issue? Why is he still there after 2 months instead of 2 weeks? Failure to improve following surgery? Additional medical issues? Or has he just gotten used to being waited on and lets you do all the work?

If he has "recovered" from the surgery, you need to discuss his plans going forward. He would need to take on his own self-care, even if it is in stages, to become more self-reliant, and then move back to his own place.

If he hasn't "recovered", what is the issue? Has he failed to try to improve? Is he just being lazy and letting you do everything?

You shouldn't have to "work through" any feelings. Either he is capable to care for himself or he isn't. If he isn't, then he needs to seek LTC placement. Where was he living before? House or apartment? Is that still open for him to return to? If he has a house, but can't care for himself, he needs to sell it to pay for the LTC. If there are no assets, Medicaid.

Again - you are a very kind-hearted person to insist on taking him in, despite the past, but it IS time to move on. You can see to it that he either gets help in his own place or moves to LTC, and then you can choose what interaction you wish to have going forward. Rather than wallow in these feelings, use that energy, be proactive, and formulate a plan!

Please, dear friend, do not ruin your life. Please.

You're not obligated to take care of your father for the duration; you've done enough. You said two weeks & you've given 2 months; that's plenty.

I don't think you should send your father 'back to his home to rot.'

I don't think you're a 'fool' for 'doing something you shouldn't be doing.'

I don't think you're a saint or trying to be a martyr, either.

I don't think you need the advice of a priest or a man of the cloth, nor do I think you should try to figure out which Medicare services he qualifies for, because that would be under the assumption he's staying with YOU, which I think is a mistake.

I do think you're overwhelmed with the prospect that lies before you, however. Even if your dad was the best father in the world for your entire life, it's STILL too much of a burden to take on the responsibility of in-home care for an elder (for the vast majority of us). And it's okay to feel that way; and to say it out loud; and to find alternative living arrangements for the man.

Why not place him with his wife in the same SNF she's at? I don't see what's to 'LOL' about that idea, either, frankly. By doing this, you are not abandoning him but placing him in a care environment where a whole team of people will be there 24/7 to see to his needs. That hardly constitutes abandonment, negligence or not caring.

Wanting to have YOUR life is not a sin or a crime or something to feel horrible about. Now, make it HAPPEN.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Imho, I full well understand the concept of caring for someone who was not a father to you when he should have been. His life now became a dilemma that encompassed you since you are a caring person. Since the two weeks has now clicked down, perhaps he should be placed with his wife in the Nursing Home.

Acjamission712-

Your job is to find a place for him. A Social Worker must help you. Reach out, as soon as possible. Do not take no, for an answer. These people are paid for what they do.

After that, your job is to visit him once a month, at most.

He did what he was able to do, to help you out, growing up.

You owe him nothing. Do the above only is it will help you find peace for yourself.

D

I firmly believe that no child is *responsible* for providing care to their parent. Each and every situation is unique. It's a tough fact of life that we have to search our souls and do what we think and feel what we 'should' do. It was tortuous for me, and I know many of my peers, to face these extremely difficult situations. I did everything I could think of to educate myself about my mom's physical/medical conditions, family finances, my own psychology and the history of my relationship with my mom (which was completely different from either of my two sisters). For me, at least, there will never be a time when I'll be sure, much less even satisfied, with the decision I had to make. It's been hard work coming to terms with what I did, being at peace with myself, and accepting that there simply was no 'ideal', or even best, way or choice. I've come a VERY long way in the past 2-3 years, and I pray that you will, too. Stick around, this is a great group : )

It isn't an all or nothing. If it appears that he can no longer live independently, he should be placed in a nursing home. If he is improving some, he might qualify for in-home care. Either way, you need to stop the full-time caregiving and he needs to live somewhere else. That being said, you don't have to stop all help. You can find a level of commitment that feels right for you. Visit him once a week. Or take him out for lunch once a month. Or accompany him to doctor appointments. Or phone him now and then. Whatever makes you feel best. I suggest doing a little something, to assuage any guilt you might feel even if that feeling of guilt isn't warranted. Sometimes, our rational side understands, but our irrational side still speaks up. My point is that there are many ways to support him without giving up your energy, independence and sanity. You might benefit from some counseling too. It's terrible to feel abandoned as a child. Something like this happened to my mom and I was aware of how it influenced her. Hopefully your grandmother was loving to you and your brother. All the same, it must have felt bad even if it was the best choice at the time. Look at this difficult moment as a chance for growth, an opportunity of sorts, to reconcile your feelings about all of this. Take care.

Actually I would place him somewhere safe and with a good reputation... it is not your job. Elderly never want to live in a facility...but as a retired nutrition staff member of a Good nursing home...a good 99% of them adjust well...