My mom is at the end of her life. She is 94 and suffers from terminal cancer. So far, it has been 9 days since she has been able to eat or drink. She can't move any part of her body anymore. Yesterday was the first time in days she was able to lift her hands a little. She can't talk or make any sounds or swallow. However, she still gives me these very endearing looks for long periods of time. I know she is still in there.
It is sooooo heartbreaking to watch her like this. I never imagined I would see my mom go through something like this. Yet, she continues to hang on day after day. How long can this go on? I love my mom with all of my heart, but I do not want to see her suffer anymore. The mom I knew is gone. She looks like a prisoner in her own body. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I wouldn't want to go through this myself. Last week when she was still able to talk all she kept saying was "help me!" It broke my heart. I try to make her as comfortable as possible, and shower her with love. Has anyone had a similar experience where an elderly loved one has gone for this number of days without food or water?
I'm dying inside. I want my mom to be at peace, but I feel guilty for wanting her to transition.
She had a DNR, and her heart stopped in her home while I was singing to her. That would have been how she wanted to go. But my brother who had the DNR was nowhere to be found and my siblings told the paramedics to resuscitate her.
my brother did finally show up with her end of life paperwork. So she didn’t die in her home, she died slowly in a hospital with no food or water.
I will never do that to my kids. I will stipulate no resuscitation but not withholding food or water. If I don’t want to eat or drink, that’s one thing, but she was begging. Just awful.
Just know she is not feeling hunger as you or I would. Her body does not need food as nutrition like ours does.
Her "help me" could mean many things. And she may not have even been talking to you or anyone visible in the room. Those words may have been the easiest thing for her brain to put together at the time.
As I have said here many times I realized the tears that I cried for my Husband were selfish ones. The tears were for me. I was the one loosing him. For me to want him to remain would have not been fair to him, there is no way he would have wanted to remain the shell that he was.
Hold mom's hand. Tell her that you will miss her but that you and everyone else will be alright. Thank her for what she taught you.
I just looked at a copy of a POLST on the internet. This is now what NJ requires in the facilities Mom was in ( AL, NH, rehab, Hospital). In each one a doctor had to sign off. They no longer use the old DNR form. If this is used, again, it needs to be in view for EMTs. Otherwise, they will resuscitate.
One major comfort, even when she cannot drink, is to keep the mouth moistened. Keep very soft lip balm (or vaseline) by the bedside and dab it on her frequently.
Gently wipe/exfoliate the old lip balm off her lips before applying new as it tends to glom up in the corners over time.
Also get some of the flavored glycerine mouth swabs and frequently swab all around inside her mouth. A severely dry mouth and cracked lips is added misery and is mostly avoidable.
I would then get her on IV fluids with electrolytes to hydrate her and a nutritional tube feeding til she can take fluid nutrition on her own. If she still passed on I would then call it natural causes. But I would never deprive her of food and water to hasten her end. Some people are suffering terribly from disease and I might understand if the patient preferred to die of starvation or dehydration. But dehydration causes a fever and racing heart beats because the heart cant function this way of course.
The less a person drinks water, the more lethargic they become until they can't speak or even lift a hand, and can become "catatonic". It doesn't mean they're dying naturally.
I used to work in a psych hospital and we had a young asian patient brought in who couldn't speak or walk or even stand. She was like a wet noodle literally. We sent her to the medical center to be evaluated and it turned out the only thing that was wrong with her was that the medication she was on was so strong for her that it made her forget to drink water and she had become so dehydrated that she wound up in this condition! The hospital put her on an IV fluids and when she was hydrated the next day we came to pick her up and she jumped up, hopped into the wheelchair, fully alert, in good spirits, and chatting away with everyone.
I can't imagine how thirsty your mom must be. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment; being at her age, and imagine your family withholding water and food from you til you are too weak to even speak to beg for it....Anyone's body will begin to shut down eventually if deprived of water and nutrients continuously.
I never knew a whole lot about hospice but is this supposed to be a routine thing that hospice does? To with-hold food and water from a patient? I honestly would like to know!
All I know is the less you eat the less you want to eat. If you fast for three days your appetite will completely go away.
I know because I fast to lose weight when I need to, and that's how I keep my appetite in check. But I always drink plenty of water when I fast. Water flushes out the toxins and enables our blood to circulate to our organs, brain, heart.. helps keep our digestive tract moving along.. Water itself, pure water.. is in fact a great healer..
This is just my opinion and it might conflict with your hospice's philosophy perhaps, but I would never do this to my mom to withhold food and water till her body could not survive any longer.
If some disease overtook her, and there was no cure or treatment, I still would never withhold food and water!
I think changing one's mind about hospice is not so uncommon. People take their lived ones off it at times, sometimes put them back on.. It is not a crime to consider reviving your mom with fluids and liquid nutrition, then see what she has to say about it when she regains her strength and tells you what she truly wants, especially after such an experience.
Just my opinion for what it's worth.
My thoughts come from a compassionate and caring place in my heart. I think this must be agonizing as described and my heart goes out to you both. I think it doesn't have to be this way.
My heart goes out to you. You know your mom better than anyone else. If you look into her eyes what do you see? Ask yourself is this what she wants? Probably not. Sit with her, talk to her, and embrace her. Let her know it’s okay to return to God. When she returns to God know you are a beautiful soul, and letting her go was your last act of devoted love. I shall pray for you and your family. God Bless You, my friend.
Your question is very important. I’m afraid the actual answer is that a person who is at the end of life can linger for several weeks without food or even water.
Most often, this phase is under 10 days, but it can last much longer, possibly 2 to 3 weeks. The answer I was given by my Moms oncologist was 30 days, but that is unusual.
I presume there is no IV fluid being given. Also, you are offering water but she refuses it?
Please keep in mind that after the initial feeling of thirst is gone, there is no desire for water anymore. However, you can moisten the mouth with ice chips, or a moist cloth.
lit is difficult for us to understand this time. When a baby is born, it immediately begins to suckle and that continues every day of our lives.
But now, all of those systems have slowed and stopped. Food and water no longer provide sustenance. There is no desire for food, and the body cannot process it.
A different nourishment is needed now.
” Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God”. Mathew 4:4
Often, people will pray to God to “ take them”. Then, when the end comes they feel guilty, as if that prayer ended someone’s life.
But the downward spiral of death is a process that happens on its own.
You do just what you are doing. Hold her hand. Sing to her. Speak softly to her.
It will hurt. But the most loving thing you can ever do, is to be there for her at this moment.
I know you want it to be quick, sometimes it is, sometimes not.
But when you see her again, she will love you for what you have done for her.
Your Mother must be a fine person because she brought up a beautiful daughter.
How are you doing? Thinking about you. Big hugs from the forum.