My mother demanded discharge from rehab and my father agreed. What do I do now if my father is crying to me for help?

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My mother demanded discharge from rehab and my father agreed. What do I do now if my father is crying to me for help?

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Mother demanded discharge from rehab (post knee replacement surgery), father agreed. Now my father is crying for help from me. Mother always demanding, claims nursing staff ignored her demands, father claims rehab was kicking mother out. My father has never been able to stand up to mother, she has ALWAYS been mean spirited (some truth to being kicked out) but his agreeing to take her home resulted in a 911 call on the first night (she fell) and on the second day he called crying he needed help taking care of her. I resent the fact that he allowed her to come home knowing he could not care for her and that he thinks he can guilt me into taking time off from work, traveling to SC (I live in MA) and staying for an unlimited time as primary nurse for my mother. I had to move out of my house at 17 to save my sanity and have been in counseling to try to deal with her mean behavior and my father's lack of self. My siblings have also been attacked and are dealing with the same issues. We have decided to take on the financial responsibility of hiring a nurse/assistant. She will hate us for this.

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Sounds like you are sane to me, and you are compassionate, to boot, as you are still bailing your Dad out. Your resentment is understandable given the background you have shared. Hold onto your hard-earned sanity and self-esteem. If anything can make you lose it, it would be the latest development in your parents' situation. Just keep thanking your lucky stars that you moved out at 17 to achieve better perspective. All the best!

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oqt: This has been one of my biggest challenges with my Mom. She sets things in motion, sometimes going against everyone's best advice, then asks me to bat "clean-up" when the result isn't what she had anticipated. If I resist she lets anyone who will listen know that her daughter will not help her.
She lets docs sign her up for every test imaginable and then won't follow their advice, but still wants to go back to them. She comes from that generation of doctor worshipers.
The manipulation is subtle - took me awhile to discern which was a real issue and which was a cry for attention. Meanwhile I can feel my health slipping away. But I still cannot figure out how much is too much to sacrifice for our parents.
Right now, running away from home sounds mighty tempting.... :o)
Take care, take it easy, and do what your parents "need" - their "wants" can wait until later.
Lilli
PS: hiring the nurse/assistant is a great idea - worth every penny in saved sanity!

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i am so sorry for your pain- you know i once read a book call codependent no more- it changed my life- by melody beattie- try it

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Tell your mother - in written certified letter if necessary - the infection could cost her leg! Then tell her that the DOCTOR does not believe she'll get the care she needs at home; that she CANNOT go home. Tell her he insists she stay in the rehab center and if she won't comply "they" will have her declared incompetent and assign a guardian to make decisions for her. If you can't tell her this ask the social services staff at the hospital to tell her. Make the health care professionals the bad guys and help your dad be strong enough to leave her there. If necessary, take him home with you for a month to force her to adjust to the rehab center. There is absolutely NO WAY you should sacrifice your job, income and financial security for this woman.

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Wow! I've only heard of one other case this severe. the adult kids would get together to enjoy each other and leave the parents out due to the Mom's crazy behavior. She finally passed away and they formed decent - not wonderful - but tolerable relations with their father. I wonder if this paranoia is really an attempt to mask some dementia? At least it's resolved for the time being. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY - you can only help those who want to help themselves and she obviously doesn't REALLY want help or she'd let it happen. Feel good that you did what you could!

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Now they should have learned their lesson and call the rehab and tell the social worker the problem and let social service deal with the both of them it sounds like your Mom may need to be placed do not let you Dad use FOG on you if she needs the care your Dad thinks she needs the social service can apply for medicaide since your parents do not keep you informed of their financias social service will be able to get this information and help them set up a care plan either in a nursing home or in their home-why are you paying for the nursing care your parents might have more money than you do-do not ruin your health or relationships on her when she is so mean to you-it is not your job to solve their problems-they are adults and if they can travel they can be involved in their health.

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oqt, too bad your dad can't go visit your sister in England for awhile. It would be a good break for him, & a wake up call for your mother. But it's probably too late for him to grow the backbone that he allowed your mother to remove when they got married. There isn't a woman on earth that likes it when their husband stands up to them and tells them to 'put a sock in it' but sometimes it's necessary. Case in point.

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Thank you. Your response brought tears to my eyes. I want to do what is right but I cannot physically and emotionally deal with my parents. I am in health care and over a 25 year career have been involved with people who have faced catastrophic diagnosis and I have seen first hand how people react to these situations. Most act with fear and then acceptance. They allow others, like myself, to help them. They respond to caregiving in different ways but only very few are angry and hostile. There is no situation that I have been in with my mother (when she feels ill) that she has responded with kindness for the help I (or my sibs) have given. She thinks it is our duty to do as she says, when she says,how she says. No matter how she treats us she thinks we should be loving towards her. It is horrible to see someone push away those that want to help and to know how unhappy she is. She listens to no one. Again, thank you so much for your response.

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OMG! I wish my mother was a doctor worshiper or at least thought the doctors might know something more than she. As I said she listens to no-one. I just heard from my father who told me my mother now is back in the hospital with a possible infection and her knee replacement is probably now non functional because she would not do her physical therapy. Her surgeon may have to put her under again and try to mobilize her knee. Hopefully she will be back in rehab after this hospital stay if only my father can hold his ground and say no to her. FYI she is now not talking to me and will no let my father talk to me. He had to sneak a call to me after he left the hospital. So predictable, so sad.
You know we can only sacrifice so much before we lose ourselves. Please take care of yourself, get some support (senior center, meals on wheels, Angel flight does dr appointments). I am lucky to have my siblings and husband who are here for emotional support. Do not let yourself get lost. Happy thoughts....oqt

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There is no helping my father. He will yes me to death and then turn on me the second my mother raises her voice to him. Believe me, history does repeat itself. Anyway, my mother is now in a forced rehab at the hospital with 6 hours of PT per day, my father can only visit from 4-7pm so he is getting a break and she has no-one to bully except the staff who hopefully give it back to her! Both of my parents are "with it" , no confusion, spells etc so declaring her incompetent will not work . We have no access to the Doctor (HIPPA) unless she allows it. We do not even know his name, or what rehab she is in!!!! The only access to information is my Dad who can only talk to us out of earshot of my mother. My parents have shared nothing of their life the past 10 years be it financial or medical. The only time we get "info" is when they travel (hotel, flights). I feel they do not trust us (why?), or anyone else. My mother is the only AUTHORITY.
FYI, my sister, who lives in England and just returned to work following gallbladder surgery, called my parents to see how my mother was. In stead of being nice my mother called my sister selfish, uncaring etc. for 1. having surgery the same time as she and 2. for moving away to avoid being near her. She chastised my sister for not coming to the US to care for her. My sister has 3 younger children, a job and lives in another country(!!!!) yet my mother demands her presence. I could go on and on but I will not. Thanks for the support. Taking here is helping keep sane. I am fighting waves of depression but I keep going. I guess the saying you can pick your friends but not your family rings true. I would NEVER be friends with this caustic woman.

My mother demanded discharge from rehab and my father agreed. What do I do now if my father is crying to me for help?

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