My mother demanded discharge from rehab and my father agreed. What do I do now if my father is crying to me for help?
Mother demanded discharge from rehab (post knee replacement surgery), father agreed. Now my father is crying for help from me. Mother always demanding, claims nursing staff ignored her demands, father claims rehab was kicking mother out. My father has never been able to stand up to mother, she has ALWAYS been mean spirited (some truth to being kicked out) but his agreeing to take her home resulted in a 911 call on the first night (she fell) and on the second day he called crying he needed help taking care of her. I resent the fact that he allowed her to come home knowing he could not care for her and that he thinks he can guilt me into taking time off from work, traveling to SC (I live in MA) and staying for an unlimited time as primary nurse for my mother. I had to move out of my house at 17 to save my sanity and have been in counseling to try to deal with her mean behavior and my father's lack of self. My siblings have also been attacked and are dealing with the same issues. We have decided to take on the financial responsibility of hiring a nurse/assistant. She will hate us for this.
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She lets docs sign her up for every test imaginable and then won't follow their advice, but still wants to go back to them. She comes from that generation of doctor worshipers.
The manipulation is subtle - took me awhile to discern which was a real issue and which was a cry for attention. Meanwhile I can feel my health slipping away. But I still cannot figure out how much is too much to sacrifice for our parents.
Right now, running away from home sounds mighty tempting.... :o)
Take care, take it easy, and do what your parents "need" - their "wants" can wait until later.
Lilli
PS: hiring the nurse/assistant is a great idea - worth every penny in saved sanity!
You know we can only sacrifice so much before we lose ourselves. Please take care of yourself, get some support (senior center, meals on wheels, Angel flight does dr appointments). I am lucky to have my siblings and husband who are here for emotional support. Do not let yourself get lost. Happy thoughts....oqt
FYI, my sister, who lives in England and just returned to work following gallbladder surgery, called my parents to see how my mother was. In stead of being nice my mother called my sister selfish, uncaring etc. for 1. having surgery the same time as she and 2. for moving away to avoid being near her. She chastised my sister for not coming to the US to care for her. My sister has 3 younger children, a job and lives in another country(!!!!) yet my mother demands her presence. I could go on and on but I will not. Thanks for the support. Taking here is helping keep sane. I am fighting waves of depression but I keep going. I guess the saying you can pick your friends but not your family rings true. I would NEVER be friends with this caustic woman.
My mother is in forced rehab at the hospital and they only allow my father to visit between 4 and 7. He only stays about an hour before she berates him and kicks him out. Reports are her knee is getting better but she is not eating and she is depressed. Last week my father called to give a phone number to reach my mother but after numerous attempts at calling I realize she will not pick up the phone. Each time I try to call I get a pit in my stomach in anticipation of her answering and my l having to listen to her tirades. One of my sisters called while my father was there and he gave the phone to my mother and of course my mother blasted my sister, told her how selfish she was and of course went on and on about how she was going to kick my father out when she was better........heard that before. What stands out this time is that this sister has a daughter who has severe mental illness who is repeatedly hospitalized and my parents have only come up once when said niece tried to kill herself. My sister has lived this hell for many years and I believe my parents moved away to be away from everyones trouble. Funny how they expect us to run to their aid. I think the belief is that they raised us (fed & housed) until we were 17 and we in return owe them our souls. Our whole extended family (cousins on my mother's side) have similar dysfunctional families. My mother's mother really screwed her and her sister's over by deserting them and treating them like shit. I just do not understand why my mother and her sisters had to perpetuate the same mean behaviors as their mother. I hope I can break the cycle with my family. I fear I am sending the wrong messages to my children when they hear me talk about my mother. That said I have had to force my kids to be "nice" when she comes around. Interesting enough all the grandchildren believe she is mean (learned from watching her behaviors) and feel no real connection with her at all. Sad, I think my mother's anger stems from insecurity and fear of being alone yet she has repeatedly over 40 plus years berated us, verbally abused us in hopes of reducing us to compliant servants with no minds of our own. She is angry that the only one this worked with is my father..........Thanks for listening
oqt
Yes, you should move forward. It's difficult to recover from a mom like that. I know from experience. My mom didn't have the guts to call me and tell me she was "releasing" me, she went to a lawyer and I got a letter telling me the secondary POA she had "honored" me with was revoked, along with accusing me of stealing things from her. I was hurt, embarrassed and angry. Now I mainly feel relieved. Waves of hurt still come along sometimes. I always felt she didn't like me but it really hurts to have it proven to you, no matter what age you are.
My kids saw firsthand what an awful grandma they had. They think she's mean and have no love for her at all. In her attempt to turn them against me, she only guaranteed that they would turn against her instead. My adult life has been devoted to NOT perpetuating her hatred and meaness to my own kids. I thank God my father did not live to see this. It would've broken his heart. She is such a pitiful person.
My brother is having surgery next week so he is off the hook (physically not emotionally), the other sister has distance (England) on her side.
Funny thing, the morning before my "release from torment" my father said to me that he has just realized that none of us like my mother. Can you believe this! None of us stayed in that home past 19, we all self medicated (pot) , we all worked our butts off and paid for our own college educations, were on food stamps lived with roaches and rats all to keep our sanity. If we wanted to suffer the emotional abuse we could have lived in a very nice home, had help with college and maybe even had cars. So seeing how we chose to live our lives did not even give my parents a hint that we did not like our home life???!! Yes we have had some good times (grandchildren softened my mother for a while) but as soon as the kids got old enough they started to get shit on by my mother. Needless to say the grandkids want nothing to do with my mother either. Sorry to rant, but every time I get a rational suggestion I realize how irrational and dysfunctional my life has been. I keep moving forward.......thanks all
Today I woke up, walked the beach and had a very pleasant morning only to come back to find a message on my phone from the woman who a week before disowned me etc.. In a sweet voice (shudder) she said to call her, she misses her family.....This is so familiar, be mean, be sweet and then stab in the heart again. I am not calling her. I am done. She is poison to me, my husband and all other members of the family. This is my choice, my sibs can make their own. I AM DONE.