My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have been married for 3 of those years. We are boomers and last year, my 93 yr old mother-in-law moved in with us. In retrospect, I'd say that was the day my marriage ended.
She has dementia and requires his full attention so he retired early to take care of her. The "we" in our married life is gone and I feel like the 3rd wheel in this house. I have turned into a stranger living among two strangers. I feel totally displaced in my own space.
My husband setup a camera in her bedroom and in the family room where she sits during the day. He also has baby monitors in her bedroom and bathroom. We could be watching a movie in bed and he would have his tablet propped up so he can watch his mother on the camera. The baby monitors emit all kinds of noise all night and it disrupts our sleep. Added to that is mother-in-law roaming around the house and knocking at our bedroom door, sometimes 3x in one night.
He tells me he wants to find ways to make it better for us so we went to a couple's counseling session. That didn't help and we didn't feel encouraged to go back. I am ready to give it up. I will be 64 next month and will be retiring by next year. I want to just relax and not be stressed by this situation.
This late in life, I never thought I'd be starting over but that's what I have to do for my sanity.
Am I being selfish?
Was any consideration given to the loss of privacy you would both experience having a third person in your home?
I'm about your age. I was in my late 40s when I met my current husband. Before we got married, we agreed that in no case would either of our elderly mothers ever move in with us. It was an important conversation to have.
What about the therapy session felt discouraging? Is your husband not seeing that there are alternatives to having his mom live with you?
Do you think that telling him that you are planning to leave will make him re-think his priorities?
good luck and hoping you and your husband are able to work it out.
The therapy session did not ease my mind. I guess we should have given it another chance, but it seems my husband wasn't really into it. He expected more from the therapist...like a quick fix of some kind, which I thought was ridiculous.
I've told him of my plan to leave. He is disheartened but feels bound by his responsibilities to his Mom. He reminded me that we vowed to stay together and support each other for better or for worse, and this is the 'worse' part. I told him I married him, not his mother. I vowed to stay with him, not with his mother.
Prior to her moving in, our life was beautiful, loving and quiet. I loved our life together and I lament having lost that.
Why does he feel it's his responsibility to house and care for mom? Does HE not feel the intrusion upon your shared lives?
My husband is a good, loyal son who feels obligated to care for his mother, who in turn cared for her mother until she died at age 103. So I figure, it is highly possible that he'll be caring for his Mom for 10 more years, and I have no wish to be around for that. He and I will be in our seventies by then, and would have wasted our twilight years having her as the center of our lives.
He has options. He has a brother who lives in a different state who doesn't share in the responsibility (covid is used as an excuse). She is not wealthy but she has property and funds that would be sufficient to finance her care in a NH. I really think she needs to be where professionals can manage her care. I remember the therapist's parting words to him at the end of our session - think about what you're doing and make sure that it is what's best for your Mom, and not because you feel you have to be a martyr for her.
I'm new to this forum, and I read in one of the threads something ironic yet adds dry humor to my situation: beware of a Mama's boy...there's a reason why Jason Bates was single. :)
Last year, after two years of marriage, his 93 year old mother moved in with you.
Were you not consulted about this?
If you agreed, where are the major discrepancies between what you agreed to then, and the reality that you now find yourself facing?
What changes would there need to be to stop you leaving?
This is an impossible situation. I am glad that you have only wasted one year of your life in this situation, and have decided to move on.
I'm curious -- what kind of care other than night-time monitoring, does your MIL require. Toileting? Incontinence issues? Since she's up and wandering at night, she must be fully ambulatory? Were you ever asked to help? What kind of nightmare has your H signed up for?
The non-participatory brother irks me. Is your H determined to never place his mother in a facility? Is the estate going to be split between he and his brother? (So, so unfair, if this is the case, as it's your H who is doing the caregiving!)
Do you and your H both own the house? Will splitting marital assets be difficult? (Just wondering; sounds like you have planned your future well.)
Keep us updated. I am impressed that you have decided so soon to get out of the situation. Too many posters on this site let an untenable situation stretch on for way too long.
No, my husband bought his home before we were married, so he has full ownership of it and honestly, I have no financial interest in the house, his 401K, etc. I have prepared for my own subsistence and don't rely on him for that.
Yes, MIL is ambulatory and uses a walker. She can bathe and dress herself with minimal assistance but that's where it stops. She goes to the bathroom on her own but has lots of "accidents" that need cleaning up. Meds, meals, laundry, cleaning, etc. have ro be done for her bc she is totally incapable of those. Until recently, I helped out a lot but now, I limit myself to doing her laundry and looking after her when H has to run an errand. There was a time when I did so much that my back started to hurt and I felt stressed out. I wised up eventually and gave it all to my H. After all, he signed up for it and I didn't.
I'm sorry that you are losing your marriage. I hope he doesn't become one of the statistics; nearly 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. And yes, she would get better, professional care an a higher level of socialization in a good facility. And believe, even when your parent is in a facility, there is still lots of work to do. But you do get a good night's sleep, which is of paramount importance when caregiving.
Is he doing this to "save" his inheritance?
No chance of a compromise? "Let me research facilities, let's try that for 6 months and we 'll re-evaluate"?
No, I don't think inheritance is an issue for my husband but it might be for his brother, although I'm not certain. H lived a frugal life which allowed him to retire at 62 to be his Mom's FT caregiver.
I agree 100% - his Mom would get much better care and quality of life in a NH. Because of her dementia, AL has been ruled out as an alternative.
I couldn't sleep last night so I Googled "marriages that failed bc of caregiving issues" and I came upon this forum. I am so glad I did. Everyone here has been so supportive and understanding of what I'm going through. It is good to know and feel that I am not alone.
In answer to your question are you being selfish? To me, selfish is when you take something all for yourself - something 1)you don't really need; 2) you don't really want; 3) it would cause you no hardship to share whatever the thing is and sharing that thing would bring other people joy. I think someone is truly selfish when they do all those things.
It is not selfish to want to preserve your mental health and well being. It is not selfish to want to be happy. It is not selfish to want to purge yourself of the things that make you unhappy. And even if it was, SO WHAT? It doesn't change the fact that you're clearly unhappy in the current situation and want out of it.
It's a shame your husband is behaving this way. Yes, you guys made a mistake taking his mom in. It was not a mistake you could have anticipated, not having possession of all the facts - not knowing, really, how much caregiving would take over your life - but you are in an enviable position in that you DO have options, should you wish to use them. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see that, for whatever reason.
If you're reluctant to close the door on this relationship, so to speak, I don't know, maybe try counseling again. Or just ask him without the counselor "We made the decision to move mom in here together. Clearly, that was a mistake. But it's not a mistake that can't be rectified, if you're willing to explore other options. If you're not, why do you feel that the way we're living is our only choice now?" Write down a list of other possible options: mom goes into a facility; you hire in-home help; you explore the idea of expanding your living space so mom isn't constantly in your faces 24/7...if he shoots down each idea you come up with out of hand, without even considering the possibilities, then in my opinion he has no real interest in improving the situation, he just wants to continue along his present course. That doesn't mean you're obligated to go along for the ride.
You're not being selfish. Your feelings matter, too. Your feelings matter just as much as your husband's and his mother's. And it is NOT selfish to acknowledge that to yourself or others.
Good luck!
He said he didn't sign up to be his Mom's caregiver but "life happens" and so, what about the vows we made when we got married...to be there for each other during both good times and bad and well, this is a 'bad' time, so am I then saying I can't be there for him? - I find this statement to be very unfair. First of all, he DID sign up to be his Mom's caregiver; no doubt about that, and him using our marriage vows as leverage to make me commit to living his dreadful life as a caregiver is just plain unfair. You are correct - I, too, have feelings...just like him and his Mom.
His mother would get better care and more activity if she were in Memory Care and she would probably be safer as well.
If he would not go back to counseling you might want to think about it yourself if for no other reason than to vent in a safe place. (although this site is great and less expensive than therapy)
The next thing you have to think about is what YOU want to do if the situation does not change.
Would you consider divorcing? If so you should talk to a lawyer about what you need to do to protect yourself financially and begin to take steps to do what needs to be done.
If you divorce what happens to the house and his mother. (Maybe if he is aware that you would consider a divorce and he would have to either move out or buy you out it might it might make him think about what he would do with his mother.) ((I do hope your name is on the property))
If this is your only option..she moves out or you do...he may come to realize this is real and he better do something about the situation.
MIL has her own home in PA and funds of her own, enough for her care if she goes in the NH. I don't understand why she has to live with us and you're correct - she would be in a better place if she were in a NH.
Money or property is not an issue. I don't have much but I can survive on what I have and I don't anticipate nor do I want any financial gain if we divorce. FL is a no-fault state so my husband retains full ownership of the home we live in bc he acquired it before we got married.
You say you sold your house to move to Florida. What became of the money you got when you sold? If it went into your account, great but if it was co-mingled with his account then that would be something that you would or should be entitled to if you split.
You also say that you don't have much but you can survive, and you do not expect financial gain if you split. That is great but "surviving" and "living" are different.
You value the relationship you had before your MIL moved in. Another try might help. Can you go away for a visit or a holiday, and leave DH to do the caring on his own? He probably isn’t doing all the work at the moment, so this will make him more aware of what he was expecting from you. It will also give him a clear option between living with you and living with his mother. And lastly, it would help you both to cool down about the problem. It may not be a solution, or easy to arrange, but after 10 happy years it could be worth another try.
I don’t know the solution, I have found my friends are more helpful. I also participate in biweekly NAMI family support group and find that to be more helpful than any of these therapists.
The fact that your husband was the one to suggest counseling means he is wanting things to work with the two of you. That's a good sign but if your M I L living with you is what is causing the problems between the two of you then he needs to recognize that and make the proper changes.
I wouldn't give up just yet but serious discussions need to be had.
(No monitors on the date).
Plan for your retirement by purchasing a vacation home, cabin, or city apartment. When you retire, be gone a lot.
Husband is his Mom's caregiver, especially at night.
He brings her into the bedroom with you by using the monitors.
😒 😞 😨 😠 😖 😵 😟 😦 😧 😕 😶 ☹️ 🤔
If he is using the monitors, then why would a caregiver wait for his Mom to arrive at the door, knock, and disturb you? He can see that she is getting up. Unfair to you. You work, he is retired.
He could monitor her from the couch in the living room, so as not to disturb you. Start there, if there is going to be any separation at all.
He might then have to choose Mom, or being with you.
getting outside help in your home would help create a support system With professional guidance for you all
-sounds like hearts are in the right place -just huge adjustments-hang in there
it’ll get better
This website cites NYS law only I think. But you run the risk of a judge deciding that you owe spousal support because you "abandoned" him in his hour of need. That's how HIS lawyer is going to argue it.
If you can do a mediated divorce, it's a better choice. You are in an economically vulnerable position because you are still earning.
I got married 11 years ago and then my parents moved here from Florida, which disrupted my marriage in spite of the fact that they didn't move in with us. Here it is 9 years later and my mother is still alive, still acting out, still complaining and 'wanting to die' but living in Memory Care, at least, which is STILL enough of a burden on me to give me chronic anxiety as an only child. If I had no other choice but to move her in with us, I'd just as soon shoot myself. Honestly.
Move out for now and let him see what it feels like to bear the burden of his mother alone and with nobody to talk to. He may just see the light.
Good luck!
I think you were right in getting your own space, where you can have some peace and privacy. Perhaps your marriage will survive with this move - I hope so. Good luck - you are a strong woman and I admire your conviction to stand your ground.