My husband and I have been together for 10 years and have been married for 3 of those years. We are boomers and last year, my 93 yr old mother-in-law moved in with us. In retrospect, I'd say that was the day my marriage ended.
She has dementia and requires his full attention so he retired early to take care of her. The "we" in our married life is gone and I feel like the 3rd wheel in this house. I have turned into a stranger living among two strangers. I feel totally displaced in my own space.
My husband setup a camera in her bedroom and in the family room where she sits during the day. He also has baby monitors in her bedroom and bathroom. We could be watching a movie in bed and he would have his tablet propped up so he can watch his mother on the camera. The baby monitors emit all kinds of noise all night and it disrupts our sleep. Added to that is mother-in-law roaming around the house and knocking at our bedroom door, sometimes 3x in one night.
He tells me he wants to find ways to make it better for us so we went to a couple's counseling session. That didn't help and we didn't feel encouraged to go back. I am ready to give it up. I will be 64 next month and will be retiring by next year. I want to just relax and not be stressed by this situation.
This late in life, I never thought I'd be starting over but that's what I have to do for my sanity.
Am I being selfish?
I'm new to this thread so I don't know where you stand after all this good advice from forum members but...... have you broached the subject of a continumum of care retirement with your husband in regard to your MIL?. A CCRC is generally has an expensive once time entrance fee but as your LO's needs increase, they simply move to a higher care state on the same campus. If finances are not a problem, perhaps your husband might consider one of these for his Mom. Most all CCRC's now have secured Memory Care (MC) units. I mention it because money doesn't seem to be an issue, it may be some form of guilt (in addition of love) that is motivating hubby to put his relationship with you on the altar of caregiving. CCRCs often "look" better (i.e. baby grand pianos and chandeliers in the lobby) to prospective family members than Nursing homes; I can't tell you how many families would come to the NH I worked at and protest about placing Mom in our facility but were guiltless and happy to place her in the CCRC down the street. Had very little to do with the care provided - it was the fact that they felt that they were walking into a five star hotel when they entered and so "they" felt better. Had very little to do with Mom's feelings when I considered it. It's just a suggestion for you to try if you haven't done so already (I'd do some scouting and present a few facilities for him to consider before I even broached the subject with him)
Unfortunately, I'm more familiar with facilities in NJ so you may have to do your own research. Now yes you want them to look nice but check out their skilled nursing /rehab ratings (just in case MIL ever needs that) on the medicare.gov site. Should you and hubby agree on a CCRC (but only after several visits, a test meal and review of activities for those in memory care) secure a written copy of the contract and have it thoroughly reviewed by your attorney before signing it!!
Good luck to all of you but know that life does go on and can be good even without him if it comes to that.
This is the “for worse” for him in his life. It is his personal Armageddon. You could turn this —-one of the worst times in his life—- magically into one of the best times by being wonderful — for him.
it may seem like this will last forever, but it will not. You can be nice for this short term. The payoff would be immense. It may even make you feel really good to be extraordinary).
What if you were the sick person? We all may be there someday. Treat her as you would like to be treated. Support him as you would hope to be supported in a situation that would be a crisis for you.
You may not want to help. Again, this is your free choice. If you treat your husband badly now, when he is suffering the slow painful torture of losing his mother, yes, the marriage is over.
You are a stranger to him too. Anyone can “be there” in the good times. It’s the true friends that rise up in the worst times.
I was in his shoes. Some choice friends and loved ones came to my rescue. They are my super heroes.
What about how her husband is treating her?
When you and your husband first became a couple, your (now) MIL was 83. Looking back over the years of your relationship and then the two when you were married but before MIL moved in, how involved was your DH in her care? And what about you? - how did you get on with her?
HANG IN THERE THE SEAS DO GET ROUGH ,AND THEN COMES THE CALM..
WAIT FOR IT ... WAIT FOR IT.... There's a change in th weather... feel for it. You will be okay :)
I would divorce a person like you.
I think you were right in getting your own space, where you can have some peace and privacy. Perhaps your marriage will survive with this move - I hope so. Good luck - you are a strong woman and I admire your conviction to stand your ground.
I got married 11 years ago and then my parents moved here from Florida, which disrupted my marriage in spite of the fact that they didn't move in with us. Here it is 9 years later and my mother is still alive, still acting out, still complaining and 'wanting to die' but living in Memory Care, at least, which is STILL enough of a burden on me to give me chronic anxiety as an only child. If I had no other choice but to move her in with us, I'd just as soon shoot myself. Honestly.
Move out for now and let him see what it feels like to bear the burden of his mother alone and with nobody to talk to. He may just see the light.
Good luck!
This website cites NYS law only I think. But you run the risk of a judge deciding that you owe spousal support because you "abandoned" him in his hour of need. That's how HIS lawyer is going to argue it.
If you can do a mediated divorce, it's a better choice. You are in an economically vulnerable position because you are still earning.