Me and my other 2 siblings take turns staying the night with our 95 year old mother. She is for the most part health especially for her age. About 3 years ago she was on a trip out of town with 2 of her daughters and fell and broke her hip. She has recovered from that however she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night. This has been going on for about 3 years now and is becoming exhausting. There is usually something going on healthwise with one of us that makes the other siblings have to do more nights. Sometimes 5 in a row. I know we are all getting burnt out but no one will suggest seeking help to give us a break. It is really putting a toll on my mental and physical health. Is it normal for families to continue to do this? Is it wrong for me to feel like when am I suppose to be able to sit back and enjoy my retirement days before I were to need assisted help? There is a lot of tension between the sibling especially when now they have started to require each of us to pay for her lawn care and taxes on her house. Don’t get me wrong i love my mother but I am also getting burnt out. What can I suggest to my siblings without coming across the wrong way… mind you my mother stays at home usually by herself during the days just feels safe having someone at the house at night. This just doesn’t seem fair to me or my siblings home life. And of course you have the one sibling who wants to be in charge with all financial needs and house duties and doesn’t take it well when talked back to. You know the bully of the family.
Wait, I just read you were paying your mom's bills. Holy cow...stop that right now. If she can't afford her lifestyle then she needs to change, not you. You and your siblings need to have a come to Jesus discussion with your mom. What happens when you deplete your funds taking care of mom? Who are you expecting will then take care of you?
Yes you are entitled to a decent retirement full of doing what you want to do. Please have a discussion with your siblings and find a way to go back to being your mom's children and not a caregiver.
I suggest all three of you sit down with her and tell her this isn’t working anymore. Then all of you can figure out the next step.
So she assumed you into a caregiving plan. Didn't ask. And even if she did ask and you said yes, would you ever have imagined you'd be spending nights there and paying for her to continue live there, at the sacrifice of your own life and that of your family? I am PoA for 2 Aunts who this spring will turn 100 and 103. I was raised with them and love them like mothers but cannot imagine caring for them myself all those years.
You've contributed so much to date, Do not feel guilty about "retiring" from this involuntary job. When you meet with your sisters go with some suggestions for solutions. If your mom can't afford to pay all her expenses from her own savings, then it is not a tenable plan. Many seniors live so long that they outlive their savings. Also, she may think it's just swell being cloistered in her house by herself all day long but she'd have so many other opportunities for socialization and activities if she were in AL. For many seniors, it is what downsizing to a facility represents (exiting this life). Even if our sisters have a hissy fit, do not continue to prop up this unsustainable arrangement. You WILL ALL burn out.
The truth is that our answers to those questions don't matter. What matters is that you have attempted together to work on this for a long long time. We ALL have limitations.
You just met YOURS. Limitations, that is. You have felt all the strain, all the worry, all the WANTING what is rightfully yours ( quality time in these years when you can STILL ENJOY IT).
I understand you love your Mom. You and your siblings have proven THAT certainly, right? She is 95. She has thrived under your care.
BUT, you are reaching the limits of what you can do and still have a life of your own. You have a right to that life. Your Mom has HAD HER LIFE, and indeed a good DEAL of it in years. And she has had an enormous helping of love.
It would be my hope that your Mom were capable of looking, of thinking, and of seeing all of this, and would say to you three what is the TRUTH. "I don't want to leave my home. I don't want to go into care. BUT I cannot conscience doing what I am now doing to you. You have been wonderful. I can't say I won't weep and mourn what losses I have had, but old age is a time of loss. Guess if I am gonna keep living I should let you have some lives of your own, as well. Let's look into placement options."
OK. There. That's said. But SHE didn't say it, and likely she won't. She will figure she is likely to go any day now, and surely you kids are fine with how it is going, because you haven't told her you are NOT fine with it. And therein lies the problem. You haven't been honest with one another or with Mom, and you need to be.
You feel you will be the bad guy? Fine. Then own that, as another responder on AgingCare recently said. OWN IT. Tell your siblings first: "Sorry guys. I not only CANNOT, but I WILL NOT go on any longer. I need to preserve my own health. I am worrying about my health. I need to travel a bit now while I am well and can do it. I need my time to myself. I can't know how you all feel, but this is where I am. I can't go on. I feel we need to speak to Mom. We KNOW what she WANTS. But the fact is that life isn't about what we "want" because for me, this isn't what I want, what I need. I need to be out now. We need to decide, will you two wish to go on alone without me? Or are we united in knowing it is now time to tell Mom that she needs to go into care."
Then it is the harder issue still of speaking with Mom. People expect of us what we DO. They think we do it willingly and because we want to because we don't complain. You will be giving her a shock. She will mourn. Perhaps cry. Perhaps rage. Is all of this loss we experience in life, in aging, not worth mourning? Let her mourn it and cry with her.
And then get on with the third hard step of helping Mom with assets, with where she can get quality care. She may surprise you by loving it. She may not.
So there's my advice. Chew on it a while. Discuss with family and friends outside the circle of care.
Only you can make this choice. My best out to you; kudos for all you have done. I hope you'll update us.
It is unreasonable and unsustainable for you all to be paying mom's expenses and staying overnight, unless you all are independently wealthy.
Have a meeting, vitual or otherwise with the siblings and state simply that you can no longer contribute money or time to propping up mom. It's time for mom to pay her own way and for a new plan tto be developed that works for all of you. Just because mom " indicates" "prefers" that she stay in her home does not obligate you to make that happen. Caregiving has to work for both parties.
That being said, I recently spoke to an old friend whose MIL just passed away. She had 5 kids; she lived alone in subsidized housing and was suffering from dementia. Those 5 kids, their spouses and some of the grandkids developed a rota to make sure the elder was not alone in the evening or overnight. I don't think she expected that or demanded it, but they were able to make it work, in part because there were a lot of them, they are in their 60s and because the situation lasted less than a year.
3 years is too long an imposition.
That's a bunch of nonsense, truthfully. A loving parent would not expect her 70-something year old children to spend every night with her in her home and pay her maintenance expenses, unless she had advanced dementia.
It's time for a sit down meeting between you siblings to discuss the next steps for mother's care & management, which does NOT include spending ANY MORE nights at her home. If your siblings disagree, then THEY can spend 7 nights a week at her place b/c you officially resign your post as of now.
That's my suggestion. There is in-home help to hire, or Assisted Living to go into once that big house is sold to finance her life in AL. She can't afford to live in that home anymore, and you all can't afford to die young pandering to her unreasonable desire to.
Best of luck.
ALL get to have a say. Be listened to - without judgement or being bullied.
Everyone gets to say how much they can offer in terms of time, physical assistance etc. It does NOT need to match.
You are all adults with separate lives, families, health issues & temperaments. Therefore what you offer on terms of help for Mom will differ.
Regarding Mom's request (reads like a demand imho)...
"she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night".
Frankly my Dear, the answer to that is NO.
Reason being your adult children (seniors themselves!!) are not you servants-on-call.
Now Mom won't LIKE that. So be it. High time she adjusted to life after a hip replacement. That means ACCEPTING help. Family help & NON-family help.
What family have done here is given a wonderful lavish expensive gift of 3 years!!!!
That gift has now been spent.
Get that family meeting happening!
There's nothing like Momma to make everyone fall in line like kids again, but it doesn't have to be like that. You won't change her, so you have to change you.
Please do not continue with the status quo just because you fear rocking the boat. Your mother is unreasonable.
Keep us updated.
Also look into possible sources of funding, Medicaid, medicare, spouse of vet, etc.
I wonder: are there professionals who can act as mediators in situations like this where one sibling is the family bully?
IMO inheritance considerations aside, why do you feel you need to cater to her unreasonable demands? Obviously what she needs is assisted living, where there would be "someone there at night." And caring for the house? No one has any obligation to care for bricks and mortar. Can you talk to siblings and from a united front to end this craziness?
If she stays by herself 7 days a week during the day requiring you all to spend the night is ridiculous particularly if she does not have a health situation. I would tell your siblings due to your own health situation you can no longer overnight at the house.
You have to take care of your own health first.
Is there a will? Is there a power of attorney for all things doing with your mom? I would look into attorney who works with elder people to get everything set up so there is no fighting. But there will be every family has at least one person who will think they didn't get what the others have. Who is executor of her will?
If mom can stay in the daytime alone why does she need someone there at night? What might help is ring cameras so that you can check on her at anytime of the day or night. We have them placed in my BIL's apartment so we can watch him because he has dementia the best thing we did.
Prayers. I would let your siblings read what we have said maybe they will get the idea it might be better to find a place for mother let all of you test out the places where she might want to go.
God bless.
Best of luck with this!
the family dynamics of childhood are back in full force. None of us like to admit that we can't do something. Dad always usually worked 2 jobs (sometimes 3) as we were growing up. The family insistence on not letting others know our business was't healthy then, and is really harmful now. the other 2 adult children visit on occasion and do what they can. but that isn't much.
So I know a family meeting with a bully present is likely to devolve pretty quickly into a mess.
If your mom's funds are insufficient to pay her living expenses, then can she get a reverse mortgage on the house? Or skip paying real estate taxes - a lien attached to the property will have to be paid by her estate, when the house is sold.
Expectations (implied and stated) of who gets what after mom dies are often the root of a lot of conflict, especially when making the choice about paying for mom's care from her funds, or 'giving' the care yourself. It is reasonable to set a limit on what care you can do, and how often.
If one of the other siblings willing to take her in? Is it feasible for you each to take a week at a time...so that there is a 2 week respite between your 'work week'?
My sister and I do a few days at a time...2 is easy, 4 I can manage, 5 is hard, but my sister takes on the same stretches, too. And the break is wonderful.
While my mom is ok at night (her grandson lives on the 2nd floor rent free). she needs assistance 2-3 times daily, including bring her to your home for the dinner hour.
Decide what you can do with a generous heart (for me, 4 days in a row pushes me to be loving..but 5 is pure resentment.) You may end up with siblings who are angry at you but that may be less important to you than having more control over your own life.
I sympathize with you. It’s difficult to be the only party who is uncomfortable with the situation.
Is she mobile? Can you take advantage of adult day care a few days per week?
I imagine it’s also hard to try to comply with your moms wishes to stay in her home…that discussion would be difficult even without the opinions of your siblings. Convincing her to move to AL first might be easier. Then, as her dependence increases, the facility would move her through to a higher level of care.
You only have ONE life too….you need to be honest with yourself and your siblings. You need to live your life with no regrets, and only you know how much more, if anything, you have left to give.
Good luck, and God bless you as you walk this path.
Growing old and needy is not a crime. 'Placing' and elderly person in a care facility is not the only option.
True, no one should have to give up their lives to become nanny-slaves to an elder, but there are other alternatives to elder care that aren't placement in a facility.
Many times the unreasonable and demanding elder becomes very reasonable when their family stops jumping through hoops and giving some tough love.
Then they become receptive to the idea of paid caregivers coming into their homes when the alternative will be facility placement.
An agency will charge full agency price hourly for this kind of worker.
Advertise and check out different caregiver websites and find one. The pay can then be negotiated directly with the caregiver.
Sleep duty is not paid hourly. It's one flat rate that both parties agree upon.
My mom didn't want to lose her home either, but she adjusted quickly and is happy now! She tried to guilt trip me saying I won't make it 2 months which really hurt but after 5-6 times saying it, I said, If the good Lord is ready for you then so am I. She never said it again. It is hard not to take it personal but you to take logical approach. Hugs! Christie
She can pay to have someone stay overnight with her, with her own finances, if it's that important to her.
This sounds like a 'nice-to-have' rather than a 'need-to-have' - and it has severe consequences for her children, none of which seem to matter to her.
Enough is enough.