Me and my other 2 siblings take turns staying the night with our 95 year old mother. She is for the most part health especially for her age. About 3 years ago she was on a trip out of town with 2 of her daughters and fell and broke her hip. She has recovered from that however she has made it clear she wants to continue to live at her home and expects her children (ages mid 70’s) to take turns staying with her at night. This has been going on for about 3 years now and is becoming exhausting. There is usually something going on healthwise with one of us that makes the other siblings have to do more nights. Sometimes 5 in a row. I know we are all getting burnt out but no one will suggest seeking help to give us a break. It is really putting a toll on my mental and physical health. Is it normal for families to continue to do this? Is it wrong for me to feel like when am I suppose to be able to sit back and enjoy my retirement days before I were to need assisted help? There is a lot of tension between the sibling especially when now they have started to require each of us to pay for her lawn care and taxes on her house. Don’t get me wrong i love my mother but I am also getting burnt out. What can I suggest to my siblings without coming across the wrong way… mind you my mother stays at home usually by herself during the days just feels safe having someone at the house at night. This just doesn’t seem fair to me or my siblings home life. And of course you have the one sibling who wants to be in charge with all financial needs and house duties and doesn’t take it well when talked back to. You know the bully of the family.
Is there one that is POA for health and financial decisions?
If so this is the one that should talk for the group. (that is if you all agree that this arrangement needs to stop.) I can not believe that you are the only one that feels this stress and wants their life back 3 years is a LONG time to be doing this.
Her options are:
* Pay to have someone come in at night so that if something happens there will be someone to help.
* Install cameras so that each one of you can check in on her and make sure everything is ok. (I think some even allow 2 way communication)
* Look into Assisted or Independent Living.
* Get one of the Alert Button necklace, watch or other device so she can call for help if it is needed.
* She can move in with one of your siblings, the one that is most willing and the one that has a house that can accommodate her. If this is done a Caregiver Contract in WRITING should be drawn up indicating what the caregiver will do, how much they will get paid (yes this person should get paid).
I think she is under a false sense of security that if she fell one of you would be able to pick her, or help her up when in reality you should still call 911 and ask for a Lift Assist and IF there are injuries a transport to the hospital.
From your profile:
I am caring for my mother Priscilla, who is 94 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, diabetes, hearing loss, incontinence, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
Your mother needs full time 24/7 care in her home now or to be placed in managed care Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing (most likely she is beyond AL care) at this point. She's beyond the point where she can be taught to use the toilet and needs incontinence care and adult briefs 24/7.
Something else that could help is having one or two additional caregivers that can come 2-3 days a week that can give all three siblings a break so that you will all know that those three days a week you can all refer to as your off days.
Even though it may require having to pay this additional caregiver it would be worth it for all three of your sanity. There are agencies that will actually pay your family to care for your Mom in her home and this money can be used to pay the extra caregiver to work those 2-3 days a week. This caregiver can also be trained to have daily task such as: light house cleaning, meal preparation and feeding, medication administration, washing clothes, dishwashing and so much more.
I hope the best for you and your siblings
Lynnel T.
None of you should be taking turns staying overnight at your mother's house. Not when all of you are in your 70's.
Hire an overnight caregiver. If your mother doesn't really need care, you can hire for what is known as 'Sleep Duty'. This means the person arrives at a certain hour and really is only there so the elder isn't alone in the house. They don't actual do care. They will get up once or twice during the overnight to make sure everything is all right and to handle an emergency if something happens.
As for the one sibling who wants to be "in charge" of all the financial affairs. Well, that sibling can also be in charge of arranging your mother's overnight care and everything else concerning her.
My guess is that sibling isn't interested in any of that. Therefore they should be told to go pound sand.
I fully agree - CBP1975 and her siblings are not kids themselves and should be able to sit back and relax.
CBP1975, call a home health agency near you, explain your situation and find out how much this service would cost. I think it will be worth it so you & your siblings can have some peace of mind, but also live your own lives.
I had a similar job when I was 8. Only mine was as an errand runner. I got off the school bus and walked to her home. Found out what she might need and ran the errands with my wagon. If she didn’t need anything, we watched a bit of tv. Very boring tv as I recall. I would braid her long white hair she wore in a coronet. She probably had to redo it when I left. She had a neighbor lady about the same age who seemed to never need her hair braided. 🤔
I think the Alexa is a great idea.
Could you have a combination of life alert, paid caregiver and just staying once a month? Mom would have to understand that by staying in her home, she will have to make some sacrifices, as well as her children. Whatever is decided, changes need to be made for your (all sibling) mental and physical health.
Trying to do the "right thing" is difficult. You need to be concerned about your health, as well.
Best wishes.
Because she loves you as her children she will most likely respect the decisions make with everyone’s best interest in mind.
If she needs certain things that are not covered by her insurance ...IRIS will help pay for it. I think it is wonderful that your siblings are all helping her. Please do not fight with them. Especially over money. Your mom loves you all and she needs you now.
She can pay to have someone stay overnight with her, with her own finances, if it's that important to her.
This sounds like a 'nice-to-have' rather than a 'need-to-have' - and it has severe consequences for her children, none of which seem to matter to her.
Enough is enough.
My mom didn't want to lose her home either, but she adjusted quickly and is happy now! She tried to guilt trip me saying I won't make it 2 months which really hurt but after 5-6 times saying it, I said, If the good Lord is ready for you then so am I. She never said it again. It is hard not to take it personal but you to take logical approach. Hugs! Christie
An agency will charge full agency price hourly for this kind of worker.
Advertise and check out different caregiver websites and find one. The pay can then be negotiated directly with the caregiver.
Sleep duty is not paid hourly. It's one flat rate that both parties agree upon.
Growing old and needy is not a crime. 'Placing' and elderly person in a care facility is not the only option.
True, no one should have to give up their lives to become nanny-slaves to an elder, but there are other alternatives to elder care that aren't placement in a facility.
Many times the unreasonable and demanding elder becomes very reasonable when their family stops jumping through hoops and giving some tough love.
Then they become receptive to the idea of paid caregivers coming into their homes when the alternative will be facility placement.
I sympathize with you. It’s difficult to be the only party who is uncomfortable with the situation.
Is she mobile? Can you take advantage of adult day care a few days per week?
I imagine it’s also hard to try to comply with your moms wishes to stay in her home…that discussion would be difficult even without the opinions of your siblings. Convincing her to move to AL first might be easier. Then, as her dependence increases, the facility would move her through to a higher level of care.
You only have ONE life too….you need to be honest with yourself and your siblings. You need to live your life with no regrets, and only you know how much more, if anything, you have left to give.
Good luck, and God bless you as you walk this path.
the family dynamics of childhood are back in full force. None of us like to admit that we can't do something. Dad always usually worked 2 jobs (sometimes 3) as we were growing up. The family insistence on not letting others know our business was't healthy then, and is really harmful now. the other 2 adult children visit on occasion and do what they can. but that isn't much.
So I know a family meeting with a bully present is likely to devolve pretty quickly into a mess.
If your mom's funds are insufficient to pay her living expenses, then can she get a reverse mortgage on the house? Or skip paying real estate taxes - a lien attached to the property will have to be paid by her estate, when the house is sold.
Expectations (implied and stated) of who gets what after mom dies are often the root of a lot of conflict, especially when making the choice about paying for mom's care from her funds, or 'giving' the care yourself. It is reasonable to set a limit on what care you can do, and how often.
If one of the other siblings willing to take her in? Is it feasible for you each to take a week at a time...so that there is a 2 week respite between your 'work week'?
My sister and I do a few days at a time...2 is easy, 4 I can manage, 5 is hard, but my sister takes on the same stretches, too. And the break is wonderful.
While my mom is ok at night (her grandson lives on the 2nd floor rent free). she needs assistance 2-3 times daily, including bring her to your home for the dinner hour.
Decide what you can do with a generous heart (for me, 4 days in a row pushes me to be loving..but 5 is pure resentment.) You may end up with siblings who are angry at you but that may be less important to you than having more control over your own life.
Best of luck with this!
God bless.
Is there a will? Is there a power of attorney for all things doing with your mom? I would look into attorney who works with elder people to get everything set up so there is no fighting. But there will be every family has at least one person who will think they didn't get what the others have. Who is executor of her will?
If mom can stay in the daytime alone why does she need someone there at night? What might help is ring cameras so that you can check on her at anytime of the day or night. We have them placed in my BIL's apartment so we can watch him because he has dementia the best thing we did.
Prayers. I would let your siblings read what we have said maybe they will get the idea it might be better to find a place for mother let all of you test out the places where she might want to go.
If she stays by herself 7 days a week during the day requiring you all to spend the night is ridiculous particularly if she does not have a health situation. I would tell your siblings due to your own health situation you can no longer overnight at the house.
You have to take care of your own health first.
IMO inheritance considerations aside, why do you feel you need to cater to her unreasonable demands? Obviously what she needs is assisted living, where there would be "someone there at night." And caring for the house? No one has any obligation to care for bricks and mortar. Can you talk to siblings and from a united front to end this craziness?